Citing the ongoing domestic terrorist threat (aka, the “most dire threat to national security since Grandma Betty at the airport”), the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has deployed a fleet of drones with the ability to destroy dangerous contraband like baby formula and remotely monitor “shady individuals” like 10-year-olds, grandparents, and those in wheelchairs – all from nearly 10,000 miles above sea level in the upper reaches of the exosphere.

A TSA spokesman called the new program a “cost-effective way to keep tabs on the population”, and though details on the MQ-7 Peeping Tom are scarce, a few snippets have leaked out, courtesy of Wikileaks.

The Peeping Tom will come equipped with an isometric target acquisition system, a solar cell that can keep the MQ-7 aloft indefinitely, and an advanced thermal-imaging scanner, capable of taking and distributing nude photos of passengers to uniformed personnel at TSA checkpoints nationwide. The TSA assures us that these photos will be processed and deleted forthwith.

With affordability in mind, Lockheed Martin has designed the Peeping Tom as an alternative to the “bulky” and “expensive” airport scanners that emit dangerous radiation and hold up lines. Lockheed solicited feedback from the TSA, CIA, NSA, FBI, NBA, and the US Military and created an integrated aerial system that bears no resemblance to the original design and satisfies none of the initial requirements. The final cost per unit will be just under $10 billion.

The MQ-7 will also ensure that domestic terrorists can't smuggle cough syrup or other contraband like H20 and ginger ale aboard commercial aircraft. If the Peeping Tom detects more than 3.4 ounces of any liquid, it deploys a 500 kHz solid-state laser weapon which vaporizes the offending substance with extreme prejudice and leaves the subject with first-degree burns over 75% of his body.

While the laser costs an additional $4 million per unit, each volley runs less than $1, saving the American taxpayer in the long run.

We asked the TSA about the program’s affordability and a spokesman replied that “We conducted a five-year, $30-billion dollar study and ultimately concluded that you can’t put a price on freedom.”


Y’ar! Today be April 1st, mateys.