The Apple Watch is redundant functionality, kitschy, overpriced, and everyone will buy it.
Seriously, I could marshal a wealth of facts and present a detailed analysis (and I will) of the watch’s functionality, but a broad swath of consumers would buy a shiny brick with an Apple logo. And they’d swear the Cupertino giant reinvented masonry.
My colleague, Kasey Panetta, does not belong to the latter group (she presents a reasoned assessment of the watch and why she’ll be ponying up for it come 2015), but consider this my friendly rebuttal — why I won’t be purchasing the Apple Watch.
Read: Why I’ll be buying an Apple Watch
Like the iPad, the Apple Watch is nothing revolutionary. We’ve seen smartwatches before; Apple is certainly not first to the party. It’s not cheap, either, but when has Apple ever been anything but a luxury brand (the short-lived iPhone 5C, notwithstanding)?
Instead, the i-Watch (my term, not theirs) is the amalgamation of everything Apple does well. It lumps together several consumer devices and technologies — pedometers, push-to-talk, touchscreens, heart-rate monitors, and smartwatches — and presents it in an intuitive form-factor.
And early reports are praising the fit and aesthetics.
“When I tried on the smaller size, it actually fit just like a somewhat oversized but normal watch. It seemed lightweight enough to wear all day,” said Heather Kelly of CNN.
Senior Editor Scott Stein of CNET tried on three models — a stainless-steel version with a metal link band, an Apple Watch Sport with a rubbery sport band, and a smaller watch with a leather band — and reported that “They all felt really good; the best I’ve felt next to the stylish Meta M1 and Pebble Steel, and honestly, Apple’s is a cut above in terms of look and feel.”
Still, it’s essentially nothing more than these three devices (and yes, that’s Portal wallpaper):
Minus, of course, the ability to make phone calls and with a faster processor — featuring the new S1 chip, or “an entire computer architecture on a single chip — and several goodies that most people won’t care about.
The Fitbit Flex ran me $99. The iPhone 4S — which I bought 2 ½ years ago — cost $150, and my stylish wristwatch (more form than function, I’ll admit) was a gift.
Oh, but the Apple Watch actually requires an iPhone 5 or later, so it’s not exactly an amalgam of these three gadgets — more like Fitbit + Watch – iPhone ÷ 2 (math makes my head hurt).
And, as mentioned, the feature set is nothing revolutionary. The watch includes a gyro-accelerometer, a built-in heart-rate sensor, and a linear actuator called the “Taptic Engine” to provide haptic feedback (for alarms, notifications, etc.).
The Fitbit Flex includes very similar feedback mechanisms (including an alert for hitting your daily fitness goal). Its “silent alarm” (gentle vibrations) is especially useful for couples, though I couldn’t imagine wearing the larger Apple Watch to sleep like my Fitbit.
The Apple Watch does include some modern innovations like a pressure-sensitive touchscreen, wireless inductive charging, and Apple Pay — the company’s take on a near-field communications mobile payment service. But Apple Pay will come standard with the iPhone 6, so this is more redundant functionality.
You can’t make voice calls or send texts, but you can use the watch as a walkie-talkie (piggybacking on the companion iPhone) and dictate messages using Siri. Tired of “poking” people on Facebook? For the low, low price of $350, you can perform a highly-advanced poke with your wristwatch. “Digital Touch” allows you to send a series of photos, sketches, and emojis. It’s silly, gimmicky, and will probably disappear from the public consciousness as quickly as Siri.
Being an Apple product, the i-Watch is elegantly designed. A scroll-wheel digital crown on the side makes navigation a cinch (and eliminates the need to block the screen with fingers), while simultaneously reminding us of ancient Blackberries.
So it touts watered-down iPhone features, doubles as a Fitbit, and lets you live out your dreams of being Dick Tracy. But it’s nothing new. And, like most Apple devices, you’ll pay a premium for the privilege.
I never bought into the calculator watch craze of the ‘80s, and other than my trusty Fitbit, I haven’t owned much wearable tech. The Apple Watch may improve on the template set by the Pebble and Samsung’s Gear Live, but it’s redundant functionality and fills no void in my life. The Apple Watch may do to the smartwatch what the iPad did to tablets, but I’ll be sitting this particular zeitgeist out.