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Politician proposes hoverboard lanes in city budget

Fri, 05/16/2014 - 11:29am
Kasey Panetta, Managing Editor

Though it seems like transportation talk of future is looking only towards improved public transportation and driverless cars, Washington D.C. councilwoman Mary Cheh thinks we should be investing in a different type of transport option: hoverboards.

In a budget proposal, Cheh suggests the city, “transfer $500,000 from the Department of Motor Vehicles to the District Department of Transportation for the development and regulation of hoverboard lanes.” You might be asking yourself why this is important. According to Cheh, it’s because Back to the Future II promised that hoverboards would be invented in 2015. She claims, “It is imperative that the District be ready for this new means of transit.” As you might imagine, she understands that this might cause some “conflict” between car owners and hoverboard riders. So she has thoughtfully suggested that, “ an additional $175,000 will be allocated to the Department of Public Works to assist in the clean-up after D.C. Transit Judgment Day: the day when vehicles, pedestrians, and cyclists engage in an all-out war to determine the District’s transit policy going forward.” Luckily, “some of us will have hoverboards to help us escape the battle.”

Though politicians are often so extreme this might seem like an ideal solution, as you may have guessed, this is a joke proposal put together by the office each year. To be clear, I would be in full support of devoting money to this particular endeavor because hoverboards are awesome, but it isn’t in the budget this year. In fact, neither is the zip line she proposes between Rosslyn and Georgetown. I’ll give you a few moments to recover.

Cheh’s real political focus does include a focus on improving transportation options with rideshare and light rail options. It's important to note that she's actually the transportation chair.

Her other fake budge suggestions include building a new soccer stadium on top of the current Safeway stadium. This would allow, she opines, for a grass roof to be put on Safeway, which would allow it to achieve LEED certification. She would also like to provide the Department of Public Works with $2.5 million, part of which will be used to provide residents with garbage bins –called SuperDuperCans-- large enough to fit their smaller garbage bins in as the city replaces older cans with larger SuperCans.

In another move to help residents with parking, she proposes providing a staff member to assist with reading confusing parking signs. In fact, “Residents and tourists will be pleased to have a government employee stand next to them, read the sign, look back at the individual, look back at the sign, look at the location of the car in question, look back at the sign, shrug their shoulders, and exclaim, “hell if I know.”

It’s a pretty hilarious budget (check out the entire thing, here) and also includes her opinions on how to decide which kids should attend what schools. (Spoiler: It comes down to Hunger Games vs a Harry Potter and the Sorting Hat).

(I’m still pretty bummed about the hoverboards.)

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