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DoD plans for the zombie apocalypse (seriously)

Fri, 05/23/2014 - 11:44am
Jason Lomberg, Technical Editor

Jason Lomberg*Whew*! That’s a huge relief….

You probably suspected that the Department of Defense has a plan for every possible contingency, so a land war with China? Totally covered. A nuclear war with a renewed Soviet Union? Covered. But a zombie apocalypse? Not the first (or 10th) contingency that springs to mind.

As it turns out, preparing for the undead and using that knowledge for training purposes is both beneficial and politically expedient. The DoD might be crazy like a fox.

See: Engineering Update #59: Guarding against the zombie apocalypse

You see, the Pentagon does have plans for every conceivable eventuality — including wars that aren’t too likely — and they sometimes utilize these plans to prep trainees on the finer points of armed conflict with Zimbabwe (also, tactics and planning in general).

But when some of these plans — say, a war with China or other international rivals — go public, it causes political fallout that supersedes the training benefits.

The DoD is keenly aware of this, hence their willingness to craft a planning document based around what they deem a “completely impossible scenario that could never be mistaken as a real plan.”

And to alleviate any confusion, the DoD assures us that “Counter-zombie dominance” was not actually designed as a joke (well, in the sense of a prank, anyway). Because when the DoD matter-of-factly declares that “zombie infections have the potential to seriously undermine national security and economic activities that sustain our way of life” and “having a population that is not composed of zombies or at risk from their malign influence is vital to U.S. and Allied national interests,” it needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

“Counter-zombie dominance” plans for defense and offensive operations, along with the politico-military situation, and lest you think the DoD isn’t 100% prepared, they provide a threat assessment of Pathogenic Zombies (PZ), Radiation Zombies (RZ), Evil Magic Zombies (EMZ), Vegetarian Zombies (VZ), and even Chicken Zombies (CZ) – the only proven class of zombie that actually exists.

And how do you tell Vegetarian Zombies from meat-eaters?

Well, “where normal carnivorous zombies commonly groan the word ‘brains’ semi-comprehensibly, VZ’s can be identified by their aversion to humans, affinity for plants, and their tendency to semi-comprehensibly groan the word “grains.”

... proving that some folks at the DoD have too much fun on the job.

Check out “Counter-zombie dominance” here: http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2014/images/05/16/dod.zombie.apocalypse.plan.pdf.

 

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