This steering wheel accessory lets you surf the web (and kill pedestrians) while driving
(A completely fake review of a real product)
We all like to text our friends, write memos, watch movies, and change diapers while behind the wheel, but how do we do so ergonomically? The AutoExec Wheelmate Work Tray allows you to be productive, keep your eyes off the road, and do so efficiently.
My morning commute is usually insufferably dull and unproductive. And tedious — checking my work e-mail while keeping one hand on the wheel, watching a movie, and occasionally glancing at the road and keeping an eye out for cops and wayward pedestrians. The whole rigmarole is so ... inefficient.
Meanwhile, the angle of my iPhone — sitting in my lap — is horribly cockeyed and makes for a very unsatisfying user experience. And if I try to scrawl a hand-written love note to my sweetie while driving, the notepad keeps slipping around, and the screams of pedestrians and other drivers are droned out by my own frustrated shrieks.
The AutoExec Wheelmate is a game-changer. Before this miracle gadget came along and enhanced my very existence, if I tried to change Jason Jr.’s dirty diaper from the driver’s seat, he’d end up on the floor. And god help me if I attempted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich — the PB ended up on my shirt, and the jelly would fly around with the slightest jostle (like read-ending the guy in front of me).
But the Wheelmate answers my prayers — and the dreams of distracted drivers worldwide. This 16" x 10" x 1" work tray — manufactured with a durable powder coated wood material — mounts onto a vehicle’s steering wheel and is designed as an “ergonomic work solution for tablets or writing.”
According to the company, the Wheelmate was developed “for the mobile worker on the road needing support for their tablet or a great place to write”. And it was specifically designed “with safety in mind”.
Just look at the spokesmodel above — the calm look on her face while she’s productive, ergonomic, efficient, and completely oblivious to the mayhem around her.
And the Wheelmate also doubles as a great bargaining chip in traffic court or for John Q. Law — who needs bribes (or “gratuities”) when you have the Wheelmate, worth its weight in gold (or flimsy plywood)?
Here’s a testimonial from a satisfied customer on Amazon.com:
“My copilot and I both used these during our "daily grind" transcontinental flights from San Diego to Minneapolis. We had to modify them a bit to fit snug against the instrument panels (when we bought them we didn't realize the planes we fly don't have steering wheels!), but in the end it did the job. During our last flight we were so immersed in our gaming session that we overshot Minneapolis by a full hour and a half before some annoying flight attendant interrupted us, babbling something about "FAA and F16 fighters."
Though, according to “Chuck Bittner”, the Wheelmate is not without its flaws:
“It seems pretty negligent that none of the reviewers here mention the poor design flaw with this table. When you turn the steering wheel all of your beers will slide off onto the floor. And that is a tragic waste of good beer.”
Overall, I’d highly recommend the Wheelmate Steering Wheel Attachable Work Surface Tray. It makes your morning commute 300% more productive and turns distracted driving into an ergonomic artform.
Warning: While this product is real, the review is 100% satire. For the love of god, don’t use this contraption while driving.